I have had a saying about change for a long time that goes something like "the scariest part of true change is that it is like jumping off a cliff and hoping that your wings will grow" and although I THINK that I have had that feeling before, after this week I KNOW what it is to hold that sense of angst, insecurity and downright fear within you and know that this is the time to jump or forever more sit back and watch everyone else fly by...
It may seem a silly thing to others, this thing that has brought me such anxiety, but once I again I find that we really are all different and what we each perceive and experience is our own unique journey.
So this week I embarked on a new journey - the journey of group personal training. This in itself is not the scary bit for me, I have always exercised and I know and trust the trainer. There are a few parts to the 'scary cliff jumping change' part - the first being the passion and ferocity of our trainer. She is a wonderful person, a friend and an amazing trainer and I know her work as I have trained with her over 4 years ago before she left Australia for an overseas posting. So knowing her style I was already kind of scared as I knew we would be pushed, and boy was I pushed!! So where is the cliff??? For me the edge of that cliff is holding the label I have carried for a lifetime, the label of 'fat me'. The story is long and for another post but it is a mental and emotional challenge as well as a physical one that has been a long time struggle but one that I am determined to outgrow and outshine. Brave words as I stand at the edge of the cliff that is my collection of internal labels, look over the edge and say to myself 'jump, its OK your wings will grow, just jump! And leave all of this behind'. For me, this is leaving 'me' behind, I may loathe this label, I may want so desperately to free myself of it, but some part of me also feels that this is ME and to leave it behind is to have to look at myself and work out who I am without it (THERES the edge of the cliff!!).
I really hadn't realised how comfortable I was with this 'me' and how much I have done to make excuses or sabotage myself to keep me right here in the place that I know. It really hit home to me when our trainer told us that we 4 in our group are the only people she will be working with (even though her services are in high demand), that she is here for US and that she will be checking in and supporting us all the way....WHOA where do I hide now??!!! Absolutely, totally BUSTED hiding in my comfortable, soft place of familiar exercise and trying to eat well.
So here I stand, at the edge of my cliff, feeling the breeze against my bare, vulnerable self, telling myself 'just one more step, it will be OK, just one more step' and I wonder to myself -
How long will it take to learn how to fly...................
Saturday 18 February 2012
Thursday 9 February 2012
Just Because I Like To Serve People Doesn't Mean You Can Treat Me Like Your Servant
Friends...
How do your friends treat you?
How do you treat your friends?
I don't really know about how other people operate but for me, I like to think that I am conscious of my friendships and treat my friends and in fact most others in my life how I would like to be treated. For me the important parts of friendship are equality - some sort of give and take, it does not need to occur spontaneously, it is unspoken, you just know that somewhere along the line you will do something for a friend and then at another time it will come back to you in kind. Or at least that's how I would like to think it works.....
All my life I have been a 'people pleaser' and I have finally realised that actually I am ok with that! I REALLY like it when other people are pleased by something that I have done for them or said to them. There have been times in my life certainly that this has not been the healthiest pursuit - I remember, in years gone by, the delightful satisfaction I gained from being 'needed' by others. I also remember how draining that can be as well as the despairing hole that was left inside of me when someone that I had nursed and nurtured found themselves strong and well and confident enough to move on to a place that was no longer so close to me.
Lessons hard learned but never forgotten - all friendships must have a balance.
As always (at least for me) some lessons in life just aren't that obvious!! It began to occur to me, sometime in the last few years, (yep, slow learner sometimes!!) that there were a number of 'unbalanced' friendships in my life. As someone who has always loved working with and generally being surrounded by people I am only to happy to do favours for others, offer my time to them, offer my trade services, anything really that would be helpful, bring joy or at the very least alleviate some suffering if they were going through a hard time. For me all of these acts are just second nature, it is quite simply what you do for your friends. Sadly I have found that this is not the case for all 'friends' and there have been people in my life that have called on the 'friend card' time and again for their own gain and advantage and then, when the day has come that I have been unable to give or assist, they simply disappear, never to be heard from again (or until the next time they need something).
It has been a long, hard and at times heartbreaking road for me to recognise and release those people in my life that for whatever reason, whether conscious or not, that have come to treat me as a servant to their whims and needs rather than sharing in the great joy and gift that true and equal friendship offers.
At the end of the day I do believe that it is all a part of my journey, that I have invited all people into my life for a reason, to teach and to learn. I believe that I am learning all the time, every day, just how much I am worth in this life and all the ways I am showing my worth to the world........
How do your friends treat you?
How do you treat your friends?
I don't really know about how other people operate but for me, I like to think that I am conscious of my friendships and treat my friends and in fact most others in my life how I would like to be treated. For me the important parts of friendship are equality - some sort of give and take, it does not need to occur spontaneously, it is unspoken, you just know that somewhere along the line you will do something for a friend and then at another time it will come back to you in kind. Or at least that's how I would like to think it works.....
All my life I have been a 'people pleaser' and I have finally realised that actually I am ok with that! I REALLY like it when other people are pleased by something that I have done for them or said to them. There have been times in my life certainly that this has not been the healthiest pursuit - I remember, in years gone by, the delightful satisfaction I gained from being 'needed' by others. I also remember how draining that can be as well as the despairing hole that was left inside of me when someone that I had nursed and nurtured found themselves strong and well and confident enough to move on to a place that was no longer so close to me.
Lessons hard learned but never forgotten - all friendships must have a balance.
As always (at least for me) some lessons in life just aren't that obvious!! It began to occur to me, sometime in the last few years, (yep, slow learner sometimes!!) that there were a number of 'unbalanced' friendships in my life. As someone who has always loved working with and generally being surrounded by people I am only to happy to do favours for others, offer my time to them, offer my trade services, anything really that would be helpful, bring joy or at the very least alleviate some suffering if they were going through a hard time. For me all of these acts are just second nature, it is quite simply what you do for your friends. Sadly I have found that this is not the case for all 'friends' and there have been people in my life that have called on the 'friend card' time and again for their own gain and advantage and then, when the day has come that I have been unable to give or assist, they simply disappear, never to be heard from again (or until the next time they need something).
It has been a long, hard and at times heartbreaking road for me to recognise and release those people in my life that for whatever reason, whether conscious or not, that have come to treat me as a servant to their whims and needs rather than sharing in the great joy and gift that true and equal friendship offers.
At the end of the day I do believe that it is all a part of my journey, that I have invited all people into my life for a reason, to teach and to learn. I believe that I am learning all the time, every day, just how much I am worth in this life and all the ways I am showing my worth to the world........
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