In our crazy, wonderful world we now have more ways that ever of communicating with one another............Then why do we seem to be getting worse at it?!!
In the past year or so I have gone through quite a cleansing and growth period of finding ways to realise my own worth, assert myself in my own life and generally grow as a person and unique individual. All great things BUT what has come to my attention more recently is that throughout this journey while I have believed that my actions were about standing up for myself, stating my worth to the world and generally trying to 'grow' into the next stage in my life, I missed a pretty fundamental lesson - communicating clearly with others!
I can say I generally pride myself on my communication skills but I am also the first to admit that I generally avoid conflict and in doing so I am also ready to admit that I have missed a valuable lesson - not assuming things about others and their motives....
I am quick to admit that I am a highly reactive and sensitive soul and because of that I have made some assumptions about the motives of others and their actions and I have acted upon these assumptions to separate myself from people in my life. At the time I was very self-righteous about my actions and now, with the blessing of hindsight as well as the blessing of a few people opening my eyes to my own blindness, I see that I jumped to conclusions and took the easy way out rather than take a deep breath, growing more of a back bone, gathering some energy and talking directly to those involved to get a more complete picture than the one I had formed in my own mind.
Having now had to opportunity to face my demons - my fear of honest confrontation, in a gentle and honest way, I realise how many times in my life I push forward, make rash decisions and perhaps cut ties with people based on my assumption of the situation when instead I could have simply made a call or arranged a meeting and just asked what was really going on. Another big lesson for the year thanks very much!
Many, MANY years ago when I first started out in full time work, my boss said to me "never assume anything. When you assume you make an ass out of you and me" I have to say it took me a long time to work out what she meant and in some ways it seems I am still working it out!
So my message today, for me and for you, is communicate people and catch yourself in the making of assumptions - you just might be surprised what you find out............
Sunday 2 December 2012
Sunday 28 October 2012
Making Room For Something New
Do you ever do a 'spring clean'? If you do is it just in your home or do you transfer it to your mind, body and spirit as well?
It's a tough and complicated gig to be a human being (at least it seems to be for this human being!) and while I do try on many levels to live a spiritually fulfilled life, I realise that for me that often means more about how I am with others than what I do for myself. I try, in all areas of my life to catch myself in judgement and release it, to take responsibility for my actions and interactions with others and own my 'stuff' if I don't like something that is going on in the relationship and generally try to be a 'good' person whatever that means on the day. BUT even just as I sit here typing, and thought this blog post was going to be about one thing, I realise that is completely about another!
Let me try and explain....
I LOVE to declutter the house. To have a good throw out and clear the space to release the old and create opportunities for the new. Any time I feel a bit stuck, I start with the house, the wardrobe, the kids rooms - yesterday it was the linen cupboard! I seem to have almost developed a phobia around hoarding that pushes me to constantly purge the house of anything that is not used or useful or even may be of more use or more in need by others. I find that this is a way for me to make the statement that I am making way for something new, that I am releasing so that there will be space for whatever it is that needs to come next. All well and good BUT I realise that there is a personal level that needs a 'spring clean' and that for me is the physical AND the spiritual and it seems about time I took more responsibility for my 'self' hmmmmmmm
On the physical level I am certainly someone who tries as much as possible to have a healthy diet, do a LOT of exercise and I am guilty of having a very strong dislike of my physical appearance ( I think that is a common complaint for most women especially). It has been a life long 'battle' and one that has never lead me to find peace with my appearance no matter what my size or weight and it occurs to me that it is time for a spring clean of perhaps my perception rather than my current regime. And THAT would also become a spiritual spring clean! I realise that there has never been a time in my life that I have been able to look at my reflection and say "I like you, great job" and I also realise that I don't even know what would bring that feeling - for all of my complaints and wishing for a different body, money for plastic surgery etc I don't actually know what the 'perfect me' would look like so in essence I am aiming for something that doesn't actually exist how silly is that?!
So, with this great insight now in my mind, I have decided to create the opportunity for a 'spring clean of the soul', my intention for today, let's make it at least the next week, is to go within the dark confines of my mind and spirit and clean out those old ideas, those negative patterns, set them free and throw them out the same way I would clear my external house and perhaps in my internal home re-open some long ago locked doors that bare the names "self-worth", "self-care" and "self-acceptance" the challenge is set let's see how I go.....
It's a tough and complicated gig to be a human being (at least it seems to be for this human being!) and while I do try on many levels to live a spiritually fulfilled life, I realise that for me that often means more about how I am with others than what I do for myself. I try, in all areas of my life to catch myself in judgement and release it, to take responsibility for my actions and interactions with others and own my 'stuff' if I don't like something that is going on in the relationship and generally try to be a 'good' person whatever that means on the day. BUT even just as I sit here typing, and thought this blog post was going to be about one thing, I realise that is completely about another!
Let me try and explain....
I LOVE to declutter the house. To have a good throw out and clear the space to release the old and create opportunities for the new. Any time I feel a bit stuck, I start with the house, the wardrobe, the kids rooms - yesterday it was the linen cupboard! I seem to have almost developed a phobia around hoarding that pushes me to constantly purge the house of anything that is not used or useful or even may be of more use or more in need by others. I find that this is a way for me to make the statement that I am making way for something new, that I am releasing so that there will be space for whatever it is that needs to come next. All well and good BUT I realise that there is a personal level that needs a 'spring clean' and that for me is the physical AND the spiritual and it seems about time I took more responsibility for my 'self' hmmmmmmm
On the physical level I am certainly someone who tries as much as possible to have a healthy diet, do a LOT of exercise and I am guilty of having a very strong dislike of my physical appearance ( I think that is a common complaint for most women especially). It has been a life long 'battle' and one that has never lead me to find peace with my appearance no matter what my size or weight and it occurs to me that it is time for a spring clean of perhaps my perception rather than my current regime. And THAT would also become a spiritual spring clean! I realise that there has never been a time in my life that I have been able to look at my reflection and say "I like you, great job" and I also realise that I don't even know what would bring that feeling - for all of my complaints and wishing for a different body, money for plastic surgery etc I don't actually know what the 'perfect me' would look like so in essence I am aiming for something that doesn't actually exist how silly is that?!
So, with this great insight now in my mind, I have decided to create the opportunity for a 'spring clean of the soul', my intention for today, let's make it at least the next week, is to go within the dark confines of my mind and spirit and clean out those old ideas, those negative patterns, set them free and throw them out the same way I would clear my external house and perhaps in my internal home re-open some long ago locked doors that bare the names "self-worth", "self-care" and "self-acceptance" the challenge is set let's see how I go.....
Monday 15 October 2012
Second Chances....
Do you believe in second chances? Either for yourself or others....
Have you ever made a rash decision and done or said something that you regret and wish for your time over? Or have you felt hurt by the actions or words - or lack of actions or words of another and decided to turn away? Or are you someone that will simply turn away and strike others for life if you deem that they have wronged you???
For most of my life I have been a definite 'people pleaser'. I really truly like people and I really truly like people to like me, I was brought up very strongly to 'do the right thing' by others and along the journey have developed spiritual beliefs that make me always try and see my part in any altercation, try to live a life of forgiveness and acceptance of others....
Sounds nice doesn't it?!
What I am beginning to realise is that while I may like to try and live my life by all of these values, there are many, many people in the world - indeed in MY world that do not travel the same pathways, do not have the same personality type and do not view the world through my eyes or via my experiences and that my friends is where things become unstuck! The past year or so has been a very strong journey of discovery for me, about me - I have learned how much I was valuing the worth of others above my own, I have learned to what degree I have enabled others behaviours under the guise of being a good friend (not knowingly and with the best of intentions but it doesn't change the fact that it is not helpful to anyones growth) and I have been reminded that we all perceive life from our own experiences, hangups and issues and that perception is our own version of reality which means that everyone we interact with is filtering from THEIR version of reality and that can lead to a whole lot of misunderstanding!
Another realisation I have had is how little I share about how I truly feel when something has upset me hmmmm theres that pesky worthiness issues again!
Back to second chances - Everyone has their own experiences and perceptions and reasons they make decisions about cutting ties etc with others and for me it is kind of a case by case basis but for now I am grateful for the growth lesson that came about from this experience both for myself and a friendship that I thought was gone and although it doesn't always work out this way, today I am grateful for second chances.
Is there anyone in your life that deserves a second chance?
Have you ever made a rash decision and done or said something that you regret and wish for your time over? Or have you felt hurt by the actions or words - or lack of actions or words of another and decided to turn away? Or are you someone that will simply turn away and strike others for life if you deem that they have wronged you???
For most of my life I have been a definite 'people pleaser'. I really truly like people and I really truly like people to like me, I was brought up very strongly to 'do the right thing' by others and along the journey have developed spiritual beliefs that make me always try and see my part in any altercation, try to live a life of forgiveness and acceptance of others....
Sounds nice doesn't it?!
What I am beginning to realise is that while I may like to try and live my life by all of these values, there are many, many people in the world - indeed in MY world that do not travel the same pathways, do not have the same personality type and do not view the world through my eyes or via my experiences and that my friends is where things become unstuck! The past year or so has been a very strong journey of discovery for me, about me - I have learned how much I was valuing the worth of others above my own, I have learned to what degree I have enabled others behaviours under the guise of being a good friend (not knowingly and with the best of intentions but it doesn't change the fact that it is not helpful to anyones growth) and I have been reminded that we all perceive life from our own experiences, hangups and issues and that perception is our own version of reality which means that everyone we interact with is filtering from THEIR version of reality and that can lead to a whole lot of misunderstanding!
Another realisation I have had is how little I share about how I truly feel when something has upset me hmmmm theres that pesky worthiness issues again!
Back to second chances - Everyone has their own experiences and perceptions and reasons they make decisions about cutting ties etc with others and for me it is kind of a case by case basis but for now I am grateful for the growth lesson that came about from this experience both for myself and a friendship that I thought was gone and although it doesn't always work out this way, today I am grateful for second chances.
Is there anyone in your life that deserves a second chance?
Sunday 30 September 2012
The Choice To Die.....
It has been some time since I have been able to sit down and blog and I have missed it, hopefully someone else may have missed my words too either way I am back and trying to commit to a weekly conversation even with myself.
So for me today's topic is the choice to die.....
I have always been a fairly passionate advocate of the choice and the right to choose your own passing. Not the choice of desperation as in suicide but the right to choose if you are diagnosed with a terminal illness or really I suppose the right to choice if you have exhausted all other avenues and feel that you cannot possibly go further in this life at least there should be a tasteful and humane way to go. I have been prompted to write on this subject after watching a documentary this week by an English author - Terry Pratchett, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and was basically looking to weigh up his options before his inevitable end. The documentary followed the choices of 3 English men - 2 had Motor Neuron disease and 1 had very severe Multiple Sclerosis. All 3 of the men had looked into the option of ending their lives at a place in Switzerland that allows the choice to die in a legal way. One of the men with Motor Neuron chose to live out his time in a hospice in complete care and come what may, the other 2 men having weighed up their options decided to take the path of completing their time on earth in Switzerland at their own hand (through ingesting a poison) at a selected time. This was not a light or flippant decision and the man with MS had already attempted suicide twice and felt that this was his time to go before he was unable physically to take the poison which would mean he had no other choice but to be trapped within a withering body and wait for the time to come. The most powerful part of this show was that Terry (and his assistant) were allowed to follow the entire journey of the older gentleman (he was a true English gentleman, he even used the term 'one' when referring to himself) all the way through until the end...Yes they remained and filmed this man's demise with his wife and a carer by his side. (big sigh...)
I don't know how anyone else would feel but for me even with the distance of television and not knowing this man at all, to witness the end of someones life was a hugely moving experience, I cried and cried......I cried at how beautiful it was that his wife was there to hold him, I cried at the loss of this seemingly lovely human being and I cried at the fact that this poor man could not choose to die in his own country, in his own home as he would have wished due to the legal system in England and most of the world...another big sigh......
Most of the options for this service were for terminal illness etc but there was also a statement that said 'for those weary of life' which is an interesting way to I guess say suicidal, or maybe just at the age that you have had enough? I'm not entirely sure but there was many meetings with doctors and psychiatrists leading up to the event and the constant question 'Do you want to do this? Do you want to die?' so it was not a flippant or impulsive service and while I guess some may see that as a selfish act, is it not more selfish to expect someone to stay and see out 'their time' in agony or utter frustration and despair until there is nothing left of the person that once was?
This is an extremely personal choice and no one person can be sure of which road they may take given a particular circumstance or illness. In fact there was shelves of files at the clinic of the people who had investigated the choice of ending their life and had chosen not take the option so it seemed that just knowing they could allowed them to not take that path.
Being the over thinker that I am, I am left to ponder the thought...At what point would I choose to die? What about you???
So for me today's topic is the choice to die.....
I have always been a fairly passionate advocate of the choice and the right to choose your own passing. Not the choice of desperation as in suicide but the right to choose if you are diagnosed with a terminal illness or really I suppose the right to choice if you have exhausted all other avenues and feel that you cannot possibly go further in this life at least there should be a tasteful and humane way to go. I have been prompted to write on this subject after watching a documentary this week by an English author - Terry Pratchett, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and was basically looking to weigh up his options before his inevitable end. The documentary followed the choices of 3 English men - 2 had Motor Neuron disease and 1 had very severe Multiple Sclerosis. All 3 of the men had looked into the option of ending their lives at a place in Switzerland that allows the choice to die in a legal way. One of the men with Motor Neuron chose to live out his time in a hospice in complete care and come what may, the other 2 men having weighed up their options decided to take the path of completing their time on earth in Switzerland at their own hand (through ingesting a poison) at a selected time. This was not a light or flippant decision and the man with MS had already attempted suicide twice and felt that this was his time to go before he was unable physically to take the poison which would mean he had no other choice but to be trapped within a withering body and wait for the time to come. The most powerful part of this show was that Terry (and his assistant) were allowed to follow the entire journey of the older gentleman (he was a true English gentleman, he even used the term 'one' when referring to himself) all the way through until the end...Yes they remained and filmed this man's demise with his wife and a carer by his side. (big sigh...)
I don't know how anyone else would feel but for me even with the distance of television and not knowing this man at all, to witness the end of someones life was a hugely moving experience, I cried and cried......I cried at how beautiful it was that his wife was there to hold him, I cried at the loss of this seemingly lovely human being and I cried at the fact that this poor man could not choose to die in his own country, in his own home as he would have wished due to the legal system in England and most of the world...another big sigh......
Most of the options for this service were for terminal illness etc but there was also a statement that said 'for those weary of life' which is an interesting way to I guess say suicidal, or maybe just at the age that you have had enough? I'm not entirely sure but there was many meetings with doctors and psychiatrists leading up to the event and the constant question 'Do you want to do this? Do you want to die?' so it was not a flippant or impulsive service and while I guess some may see that as a selfish act, is it not more selfish to expect someone to stay and see out 'their time' in agony or utter frustration and despair until there is nothing left of the person that once was?
This is an extremely personal choice and no one person can be sure of which road they may take given a particular circumstance or illness. In fact there was shelves of files at the clinic of the people who had investigated the choice of ending their life and had chosen not take the option so it seemed that just knowing they could allowed them to not take that path.
Being the over thinker that I am, I am left to ponder the thought...At what point would I choose to die? What about you???
Sunday 26 August 2012
What Do You Value The Most?
Where do your personal values lie? Do you know or is it one of those things that you know you have but haven't ever really needed to articulate?
In my current job I run adult education programs and with the current course one of the classes is called "Ethical work practises" and as I write the classes I decided that it would be good idea to include a 'personal values' exercise. Of course me being, well, ME (as if I'd be anyone else!) I started to think about personal values V's workplace ethics and yet again the ding could be heard of a light bulb switching on in my head and I realised that if your personal values clash with the ethics of your workplace then you will either not be able to stay at that workplace or you will have serious inner conflict but may absolutely not know why! Hmmmmm interesting isn't it?!
(Or maybe it isn't as everyone realises this but me so sorry if this is not as new of a concept to you as it is to me)
So THEN my busy little mind starts to form all sorts of connections into the rest of my life like for instance - is this what happens in friendships and indeed any sort of relationship that you seem to like each other at first, get on well and have similar interests but as time goes on with some people you (or I in this particular scenario) will feel frustrated, disrespected, used or just not on an even keel with someone that on some levels you have a lot of time for or like or even love, but yet there seems to be some sort of misfiring of connection in which you (or I) just cannot understand why something that seems obvious and simple can be so evasive to someone elses radar. I feel now is the time to insert example HERE: I will do almost anything for my friends and those that I love, usually without being asked, I feel it is almost my duty as a potentially 'good' human being and someone who appreciates their friends to be a 'good' friend means stepping up to the plate, offering my time, giving a shoulder to lean or cry on, picking up or looking after friends children, giving them a lift if we are going to the same place, just dropping a line to say hi if we haven't been in touch for a while, if I make plans I stick to them and above all else try to not let people down...all of these things to me are not a big ask, not a lot of energy but just something that you do as someone who wants to be a good friend. HOWEVER there have been times (many times) in my life when these acts have gone seemingly unnoticed, unappreciated and definitely unrequited and I have been left wondering WHY?! UNTIL NOW!!!! When I realise that all of those things are MY personal values on friendship and what I consider important traits and points and while there are definitely other wonderful souls in my life that act in the same way, there are a number who just don't and I now realise that whatever their personal values are on what constitutes a good friend, they are slightly (or a lot) askew to mine. (PHEW it took a while but I got to the point eventually!) So where does this leave me?! I have decided that it is ok to give myself permission to either pull back from friends that have either clashing or at least rubbing values to mine, that if it makes me this crazy but they can't help it then I need to make a choice to either back off, walk away, or accept them for who they are and what they bring. Also there is the option of keeping contact to where there is common ground to relieve frustration and torment (on my behalf as a particularly over sensitive soul as it doesn't seem to bother the other person!). So in closing I have found that my strongest values lie (or lay I'm not sure of the grammar) in integrity, authenticity and compassion with an attitude of 'what can I do to help' thrown in! Do you know where your values lie?
Tuesday 14 August 2012
100 Days of Gratitude
Gratitude....................
I decided a couple of weeks ago to embark on 100 days of gratitude and post it to my face book status every day. I chose this forum not so that others could see it, but simply to keep me accountable as someone may notice if I missed a day and I really wanted to swing the balance in favour of a positive focus in my life.
So far it has been an interesting journey, sitting at the end of my day and considering what I am grateful for. Although I guess there are many things that I am grateful for, I have taken to just sitting and seeing what the first thing is that pops into my mind. As a generally positive person I have found it not too much of a challenge but as a human being ( or a spiritual being having a human experience says the 'hippy chic' in my head!!) there are days that I have struggled to grab hold of some gratitude. These are the days when something unexpected has just jumped up and bitten me in life, we all have those but this exercise has made me more aware of how much influence a moment can have and how long it can last. On those days I have been tempted to simply put 'today I am grateful that the day is over!' but then I stop and ask 'am I ? Is that it?!' And I have honestly found that once I release that moment and dig a little deeper, there has been a lesson for me lurking in the muck and once I acknowledge the lesson then the heaviness seems to lighten and the feeling that everything is crap seems to clear a little more quickly. And so I wonder if this is the next big thing in my life, is this another light bulb moment? (Really, soon I will have had so many 'lightbulb moments' I will be internally lit up like Time Square on New Years Eve!)
Whatever it is, this process of focusing on gratitude is a positive step in my life, it is making me slow a little, even if only for a moment, and smell the roses (or smell the gratitude??) and keeping a positive light shining even on my darkest days and while it is absolutely ok for me to have a bad day, I am now grateful for that too as how can we appreciate the light if we haven't known the darkness?
I decided a couple of weeks ago to embark on 100 days of gratitude and post it to my face book status every day. I chose this forum not so that others could see it, but simply to keep me accountable as someone may notice if I missed a day and I really wanted to swing the balance in favour of a positive focus in my life.
So far it has been an interesting journey, sitting at the end of my day and considering what I am grateful for. Although I guess there are many things that I am grateful for, I have taken to just sitting and seeing what the first thing is that pops into my mind. As a generally positive person I have found it not too much of a challenge but as a human being ( or a spiritual being having a human experience says the 'hippy chic' in my head!!) there are days that I have struggled to grab hold of some gratitude. These are the days when something unexpected has just jumped up and bitten me in life, we all have those but this exercise has made me more aware of how much influence a moment can have and how long it can last. On those days I have been tempted to simply put 'today I am grateful that the day is over!' but then I stop and ask 'am I ? Is that it?!' And I have honestly found that once I release that moment and dig a little deeper, there has been a lesson for me lurking in the muck and once I acknowledge the lesson then the heaviness seems to lighten and the feeling that everything is crap seems to clear a little more quickly. And so I wonder if this is the next big thing in my life, is this another light bulb moment? (Really, soon I will have had so many 'lightbulb moments' I will be internally lit up like Time Square on New Years Eve!)
Whatever it is, this process of focusing on gratitude is a positive step in my life, it is making me slow a little, even if only for a moment, and smell the roses (or smell the gratitude??) and keeping a positive light shining even on my darkest days and while it is absolutely ok for me to have a bad day, I am now grateful for that too as how can we appreciate the light if we haven't known the darkness?
Thursday 26 July 2012
Choices, Lessons and Personal Growth
Have you ever looked back at a choice you have made in your life and realised that although things didn't turn out the way you had hoped, or perhaps it was even a total disaster, BUT did you learn something from the experience and can you now look back and see that it helped you grow?
It has started to become very clear to me in my life that there are many different ways that growth lessons will show up and they are almost always unexpected! I'm not sure if it is my age, the amount of time I have spent on this journey this time around, or just the amount of growth and evolution I have gone through so far, but I am starting to realise that there is always more than one choice and thinking that there isn't is just my ego or stubborness trying to win and keep me where I am.
I am the first to admit that I can be quite an impulsive person, that I make choices by feel and a sense that I must take a certain path with a trust that what I am doing is leading me exactly where I would like to be headed. I am also the first to admit that this has not always been the case and I have found myself along the way both disillusioned and down trodden wondering what went wrong when I was so sure about the path I had chosen. What I have also found is that once my bruised ego settles and the fog in my mind starts to clear, I realise that I made exactly the right choice for the lesson I needed to learn to achieve the growth that could only come about through the path that I had chosen.
Life is always so clear in hindsight and the lessons seem so easy that I sometimes wonder why it was so hard to get to this place, why I took the winding road, with the rough track and many obstacles to overcome instead of taking the nice smooth simple path. Then I remember - it was ME that made the choice......
It has started to become very clear to me in my life that there are many different ways that growth lessons will show up and they are almost always unexpected! I'm not sure if it is my age, the amount of time I have spent on this journey this time around, or just the amount of growth and evolution I have gone through so far, but I am starting to realise that there is always more than one choice and thinking that there isn't is just my ego or stubborness trying to win and keep me where I am.
I am the first to admit that I can be quite an impulsive person, that I make choices by feel and a sense that I must take a certain path with a trust that what I am doing is leading me exactly where I would like to be headed. I am also the first to admit that this has not always been the case and I have found myself along the way both disillusioned and down trodden wondering what went wrong when I was so sure about the path I had chosen. What I have also found is that once my bruised ego settles and the fog in my mind starts to clear, I realise that I made exactly the right choice for the lesson I needed to learn to achieve the growth that could only come about through the path that I had chosen.
Life is always so clear in hindsight and the lessons seem so easy that I sometimes wonder why it was so hard to get to this place, why I took the winding road, with the rough track and many obstacles to overcome instead of taking the nice smooth simple path. Then I remember - it was ME that made the choice......
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