Communication break down.....

In our crazy, wonderful world we now have more ways that ever of communicating with one another............Then why do we seem to be getting worse at it?!!
In the past year or so I have gone through quite a cleansing and growth period of finding ways to realise my own worth, assert myself in my own life and generally grow as a person and unique individual. All great things BUT what has come to my attention more recently is that throughout this journey while I have believed that my actions were about standing up for myself, stating my worth to the world and generally trying to 'grow' into the next stage in my life, I missed a pretty fundamental lesson - communicating  clearly with others!
I can say I generally pride myself on my communication skills but I am also the first to admit that I generally avoid conflict and in doing so I am also ready to admit that I have missed a valuable lesson - not assuming things about others and their motives....
I am quick to admit that I am a highly reactive and sensitive soul and because of that I have made some assumptions about the motives of others and their actions and I have acted upon these assumptions to separate myself from people in my life. At the time I was very self-righteous about my actions and now, with the blessing of hindsight as well as the blessing of a few people opening my eyes to my own blindness, I see that I jumped to conclusions and took the easy way out rather than take a deep breath, growing more of a back bone, gathering some energy and talking directly to those involved to get a more complete picture than the one I had formed in my own mind.
Having now had to opportunity to face my demons - my fear of honest confrontation, in a gentle and honest way, I realise how many times in my life I push forward, make rash decisions and perhaps cut ties with people based on my assumption of the situation when instead I could have simply made a call or arranged a meeting and just asked what was really going on. Another big lesson for the year thanks very much!
Many, MANY years ago when I first started out in full time work, my boss said to me "never assume anything. When you assume you make an ass out of you and me" I have to say it took me a long time to work out what she meant and in some ways it seems I am still working it out!
So my message today, for me and for you, is communicate people and catch yourself in the making of assumptions - you just might be surprised what you find out............

Making Room For Something New

Do you ever do a 'spring clean'? If you do is it just in your home or do you transfer it to your mind, body and spirit as well?
It's a tough and complicated gig to be a human being (at least it seems to be for this human being!) and while I do try on many levels to live a spiritually fulfilled life, I realise that for me that often means more about how I am with others than what I do for myself. I try, in all areas of my life to catch myself in judgement and release it, to take responsibility for my actions and interactions with others and own my 'stuff' if I don't like something that is going on in the relationship and generally try to be a 'good' person whatever that means on the day. BUT even just as I sit here typing, and thought this blog post was going to be about one thing, I realise that is completely about another!
Let me try and explain....
I LOVE to declutter the house. To have a good throw out and clear the space to release the old and create opportunities for the new. Any time I feel a bit stuck, I start with the house, the wardrobe, the kids rooms - yesterday it was the linen cupboard! I seem to have almost developed a phobia around hoarding that pushes me to constantly purge the house of anything that is not used or useful or even may be of more use or more in need by others. I find that this is a way for me to make the statement that I am making way for something new, that I am releasing so that there will be space for whatever it is that needs to come next. All well and good BUT I realise that there is a personal level that needs a 'spring clean' and that for me is the physical AND the spiritual and it seems about time I took more responsibility for my 'self' hmmmmmmm
On the physical level I am certainly someone who tries as much as possible to have a healthy diet, do a LOT of exercise and I am guilty of having a very strong dislike of my physical appearance ( I think that is a common complaint for most women especially). It has been a life long 'battle' and one that has never lead me to find peace with my appearance no matter what my size or weight and it occurs to me that it is time for a spring clean of perhaps my perception rather than my current regime. And THAT would also become a spiritual spring clean! I realise that there has never been a time in my life that I have been able to look at my reflection and say "I like you, great job" and I also realise that I don't even know what would bring that feeling - for all of my complaints and wishing for a different body, money for plastic surgery etc I don't actually know what the  'perfect me' would look like so in essence I am aiming for something that doesn't actually exist how silly is that?!
So, with this great insight now in my mind, I have decided to create the opportunity for a 'spring clean of the soul', my intention for today, let's make it at least the next week, is to go within the dark confines of my mind and spirit and clean out those old ideas, those negative patterns, set them free and throw them out the same way I would clear my external house and perhaps in my internal home re-open some long ago locked doors that bare the names "self-worth", "self-care" and "self-acceptance" the challenge is set let's see how I go.....

Second Chances....

Do you believe in second chances?  Either for yourself or others....
Have you ever made a rash decision and done or said something that you regret and wish for your time over? Or have you felt hurt by the actions or words - or lack of actions or words of another and decided to turn away? Or are you someone that will simply turn away and strike others for life if you deem that they have wronged you???
For  most of my life I have been a definite 'people pleaser'. I really truly like people and I really truly like people to like me, I was brought up very strongly to 'do the right thing' by others and along the journey have developed spiritual beliefs that make me always try and see my part in any altercation, try to live a life of forgiveness and acceptance of others....
Sounds nice doesn't it?!
What I am beginning to realise is that while I may like to try and live my life by all of these values, there are many, many people in the world - indeed in MY world that do not travel the same pathways, do not have the same personality type and do not view the world through my eyes or via my experiences and that my friends is where things become unstuck! The past year or so has been a very strong journey of discovery for me, about me - I have learned how much I was valuing the worth of others above my own, I have learned to what degree I have enabled others behaviours under the guise of being a good friend (not knowingly and with the best of intentions but it doesn't change the fact that it is not helpful to anyones growth) and I have been reminded that we all perceive life from our own experiences, hangups and issues and that perception  is our own version of reality which means that everyone we interact with is filtering from THEIR version of reality and that can lead to a whole lot of misunderstanding!
Another realisation I have had is how little I share about how I truly feel when something has upset me hmmmm theres that pesky worthiness issues again!
Back to second chances - Everyone has their own experiences and perceptions and reasons they make decisions about cutting ties etc with others and for me it is kind of a case by case basis but for now I am grateful for the growth lesson that came about from this experience both for myself and a friendship that I thought was gone and although it doesn't always work out this way, today I am grateful for second chances.
Is there anyone in your life that deserves a second chance?

The Choice To Die.....

It has been some time since I have been able to sit down and blog and I have missed it, hopefully someone else may have missed my words too either way I am back and trying to commit to a weekly conversation even with myself.
So for me today's topic is the choice to die.....
I have always been a fairly passionate advocate of the choice and the right to choose your own passing. Not the choice of desperation as in suicide but the right to choose if you are diagnosed with a terminal illness or really I suppose the right to choice if you have exhausted all other avenues and feel that you cannot possibly go further in this life at least there should be a tasteful and humane way to go. I have been prompted to write on this subject after watching a documentary this week by an English author - Terry Pratchett, who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and was basically looking to weigh up his options before his inevitable end. The documentary followed the choices of 3 English men - 2 had Motor Neuron disease and 1 had very severe Multiple Sclerosis. All 3 of the men had looked into the option of ending their lives at a place in Switzerland that allows the choice to die in a legal way. One of the men with Motor Neuron chose to live out his time in a hospice in complete care and come what may, the other 2 men having weighed up their options decided to take the path of completing their time on earth in Switzerland at their own hand (through ingesting a poison) at a selected time. This was not a light or flippant decision and the man with MS had already attempted suicide twice and felt that this was his time to go before he was unable physically to take the poison which would mean he had no other choice but to be trapped within a withering body and wait for the time to come. The most powerful part of this show was that Terry (and his assistant) were allowed to follow the entire journey of the older gentleman (he was a true English gentleman, he even used the term 'one' when referring to himself) all the way through until the end...Yes they remained and filmed this man's demise with his wife and a carer by his side. (big sigh...)
I don't know how anyone else would feel but for me even with the distance of television and not knowing this man at all, to witness the end of someones life was a hugely moving experience, I cried and cried......I cried at how beautiful it was that his wife was there to hold him, I cried at the loss of this seemingly lovely human being and I cried at the fact that this poor man could not choose to die in his own country, in his own home as he would have wished due to the legal system in England and most of the world...another big sigh......
Most of the options for this service were for terminal illness etc but there was also a statement that said 'for those weary of life' which is an interesting way to I guess say suicidal, or maybe just at the age that you have had enough? I'm not entirely sure but there was many meetings with doctors and psychiatrists leading up to the event and the constant question 'Do you want to do this? Do you want to die?' so it was not a flippant or impulsive service and while I guess some may see that as a selfish act, is it not more selfish to expect someone to stay and see out 'their time' in agony or utter frustration and despair until there is nothing left of the person that once was?
This is an extremely personal choice and no one person can be sure of which road they may take given a particular circumstance or illness. In fact there was shelves of files at the clinic of the people who had investigated the choice of ending their life and had chosen not take the option so it seemed that just knowing they could allowed them to not take that path.
Being the over thinker that I am, I am left to ponder the thought...At what point would I choose to die? What about you???

What Do You Value The Most?

Where do your personal values lie? Do you know or is it one of those things that you know you have but haven't ever really needed to articulate?

In my current job I run adult education programs and with the current course one of the classes is called "Ethical work practises" and as I write the classes I decided that it would be good idea to include a 'personal values' exercise. Of course me being, well, ME (as if I'd be anyone else!) I started to think about personal values V's workplace ethics and yet again the ding could be heard of a light bulb switching on in my head and I realised that if your personal values clash with the ethics of your workplace then you will either not be able to stay at that workplace or you will have serious inner conflict but may absolutely not know why! Hmmmmm interesting isn't it?!

(Or maybe it isn't as everyone realises this but me so sorry if this is not as new of a concept to you as it is to me)

So THEN my busy little mind starts to form all sorts of connections into the rest of my life like for instance - is this what happens in friendships and indeed any sort of relationship that you seem to like each other at first, get on well and have similar interests but as time goes on with some people you (or I in this particular scenario) will feel frustrated, disrespected, used or just not on an even keel with someone that on some levels you have a lot of time for or like or even love, but yet there seems to be some sort of misfiring of connection in which you (or I) just cannot understand why something that seems obvious and simple can be so evasive to someone elses radar. I feel now is the time to insert example HERE: I will do almost anything for my friends and those that I love, usually without being asked, I feel it is almost my duty as a potentially 'good' human being and someone who appreciates their friends to be a 'good' friend means stepping up to the plate, offering my time, giving a shoulder to lean or cry on, picking up or looking after friends children, giving them a lift if we are going to the same place, just dropping a line to say hi if we haven't been in touch for a while, if I make plans I stick to them and above all else try to not let people down...all of these things to me are not a big ask, not a lot of energy but just something that you do as someone who wants to be a good friend. HOWEVER there have been times (many times) in my life when these acts have gone seemingly unnoticed, unappreciated and definitely unrequited and I have been left wondering WHY?! UNTIL NOW!!!! When I realise that all of those things are MY personal values on friendship and what I  consider important traits and points and while there are definitely other wonderful souls in my life that act in the same way, there are a number who just don't and I now realise that whatever their personal values are on what constitutes a good friend, they are slightly (or a lot) askew to mine. (PHEW it took a while but I got to the point eventually!) So where does this leave me?! I have decided that it is ok to give myself permission to either pull back from friends that have either clashing or at least rubbing values to mine, that if it makes me this crazy but they can't help it then I need to make a choice to either back off, walk away, or accept them for who they are and what they bring. Also there is the option of keeping contact to where there is common ground to relieve frustration and torment (on my behalf as a particularly over sensitive soul as it doesn't seem to bother the other person!). So in closing I have found that my strongest values lie (or lay I'm not sure of the grammar) in integrity, authenticity and compassion with an attitude of 'what can I do to help' thrown in! Do you know where your values lie?



100 Days of Gratitude

Gratitude....................

I decided a couple of weeks ago to embark on 100 days of gratitude and post it to my face book status every day. I chose this forum not so that others could see it, but simply to keep me accountable as someone may notice if I missed a day and I really wanted to swing the balance in favour of a positive focus in my life.
So far it has been an interesting journey, sitting at the end of my day and considering what I am grateful for. Although I guess there are many things that I am grateful for, I have taken to just sitting and seeing what the first thing is that pops into my mind. As a generally positive person I have found it not too much of a challenge but as a human being ( or a spiritual being having a human experience says the 'hippy chic' in my head!!) there are days that I have struggled to grab hold of some gratitude. These are the days when something unexpected has just jumped up and bitten me in life, we all have those but this exercise has made me more aware of how much influence a moment can have and how long it can last. On those days I have been tempted to simply put 'today I am grateful that the day is over!' but then I stop and ask 'am I ? Is that it?!' And I have honestly found that once I release that moment and dig a little deeper, there has been a lesson for me lurking in the muck and once I acknowledge the lesson then the heaviness seems to lighten and the feeling that everything is crap seems to clear a little more quickly. And so I wonder if this is the next big thing in my life, is this another light bulb moment? (Really, soon I will have had so many 'lightbulb moments' I will be internally lit up like Time Square on New Years Eve!)
Whatever it is, this process of focusing on gratitude is a positive step in my life, it is making me slow a little, even if only for a moment, and smell the roses (or smell the gratitude??) and keeping a positive light shining even on my darkest days and while it is absolutely ok for me to have a bad day, I am now grateful for that too as how can we appreciate the light if we haven't known the darkness?

Choices, Lessons and Personal Growth

Have you ever looked back at a choice you have made in your life and realised that although things didn't turn out the way you had hoped, or perhaps it was even a total disaster, BUT did you learn something from the experience and can you now look back and see that it helped you grow?


It has started to become very clear to me in my life that there are many different ways that growth lessons will show up and they are almost always unexpected! I'm not sure if it is my age, the amount of time I have spent on this journey this time around, or just the amount of growth and evolution I have gone through so far, but I am starting to realise that there is always more than one choice and thinking that there isn't is just my ego or stubborness trying to win and keep me where I am.


I am the first to admit that I can be quite an impulsive person, that I make choices by feel and a sense that I must take a certain path with a trust that what I am doing is leading me exactly where I would like to be headed. I am also the first to admit that this has not always been the case and I have found myself along the way both disillusioned and down trodden wondering what went wrong when I was so sure about the path I had chosen. What I have also found is that once my bruised ego settles and the fog in my mind starts to clear, I realise that I made exactly the right choice for the lesson I needed to learn to achieve the growth that could only come about through the path that I had chosen.


Life is always so clear in hindsight and the lessons seem so easy that I sometimes wonder why it was so hard to get to this place, why I took the winding road, with the rough track and many obstacles to overcome instead of taking the nice smooth simple path. Then I remember - it was ME that made the choice...... 

How Much Are You Worth - and how do you know?

Self worth.....it's a term that everyone knows, it is often talked about but what I want to know is how do you measure your self worth?!

I certainly get the concept of NOT valuing myself enough, I also recognise now  that there have been a lot of times that I have valued others more highly than myself and allowed people to treat me in ways that I feel undervalued but have accepted the treatment as if that is simply my lot in life. Or perhaps it was more that I didn't consciously realise that I going along, thinking that I was setting an example of how I would like to be treated, when in reality what I was really doing was putting anyone and everyone around me's wants and needs before any of my own then feeling upset and resentful when people turned up to keep taking and taking because I had taught them that I would just keep on giving.

STOP THE RIDE I WANT TO GET OFF!!!!!

Ok so light bulb moment, this is not how I want to be operating in the world, I am devaluing myself and placing pretty much anyone else that comes into my life above myself. Right, realisation confirmed, um what now?? How do I go about raising my own value, my self-worth to at the very least the level that I hold everyone else in?

How is self-worth measured? Is it a matter of being able to say 'no' when you need to? Is it reminding myself to not give quite so much of 'me' away to everyone that comes into my life? Or is it about simply starting to ask myself 'does this make me feel worthy?'

As I look back over my past I see times that I have tried to assert my worth to others by perhaps almost demanding that things be different, almost like a silent scream that says 'Can't you see me?! I'm right here and I need to be acknowledged too' but it is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil, not the silent one. But in what ways do I 'say' I am worthy without appearing to be having a tantrum or acting in a way that is completely unlike myself?

As I sit quietly with that question I am reminded that someone 'out there' in the universe has a great sense of humour because the answer that comes through, very clearly, into my mind is 'It's just like asking how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time'.......

How Do You Measure Success?

Success...What does it mean to you? Does it hold meaning for you or is it something that other people worry too much about?
I have recently started reading a book by a fabulous and insightful man called Robert Holden who is a 'Happiness Coach' called 'Authentic Success' and although I am only in the first chapter, I have already started to look at my own success with new eyes. Robert Holden says that success is a journey, not a destination - yes I know that we have all heard that term before BUT I have never heard it used about success.
Even the very few pages that I have read so far have me questioning my own drive to success, what I consider success in myself and what I would consider success in others. Once again I see that while I hold impossibly high, never ending standards for myself, I would happily and wholeheartedly celebrate ANYTHING that someone else considers as success. Does this mean I am failing at my own success???
I am hopeful that through the wisdom, the path walked and the lessons learned before me, that Robert Holden may lead me to find the answer of what I would consider my own success. I do think that perhaps I would break down success in my own life into 2 different categories - personal success and professional success and while I'm not sure that I would think one was enough without the other and while I realise that I am always striving towards success in both areas, I wonder if I would be satisfied with reaching a certain level or measure of success for one or the other. (who am I kidding, even as I type that I hear in my mind 'AS IF!!!!
Hmmm I think that while I have 'succeeded' in achieving pretty much most things I have set my mind to in my life, if I am truly, brutally honest I do not consider myself 'successful' and I wonder why??
The only answer that I can come up with is that I don't actually know what 'success' looks like to me or perhaps how it is that I measure my own success. I know that for me personal success would mean finally being able to accept myself, certainly physically, exactly as I am at any time and yet with all that I know and as hard as I strive I still can't say what it would take to find that acceptance.
And what about in the professional arena?? What does success look like for me there? I know that there have been times in my life that I have 'checked the boxes' only to find that once I had reached the goals I had set myself, as selfish as I felt, it did not seem enough.
I think for now I will go back to my book, learn what I can from the kinship that I feel with Robert Holden as for me he speaks many truths and switches on many light bulb moments and for now perhaps I will try and view success from a different perspective and decide that just the fact that I am here, writing a blog, sharing with anyone who cares to read it, working towards my never ending goals. At the very least I am doing these things and wherever they may lead, I should consider the fact that I even got started is some sort of success within itself..........

Following Synchronicity

Do you believe in synchronicity? I certaintly do...
For me synchronicity means following the 'signs' as I see them coming up in my life. Those moments that you think 'wow that was a weird coincidence' well weird or not is there a message there for you that you may or may not be seeing or hearing...
I can't really remember how long I have conciously been living my life this way, and I have to say that there are certainly times that I don't follow the signs or I am afraid to take the path that I am shown or even that my big human ego just gets in the way and causes me to hesitate. But most of the time and in most areas of my life, I try to follow the leads that I feel I am shown and when I trust in that process and walk the path of my heart I have never been disappointed yet.
What I do remember about conciously starting to live this way is questioning if what I think are 'signs' really are, or whether perhaps I am making it so or, worst of all, I was just going a little crazy and no one had picked up on it yet!! I can't say that any of those things have been proven or not but what I do know is that the more I trusted in what I felt were my signs and followed up on what I felt I should do, the more clear my path has become and the more synchronistic moments appear in my life.
As lovely as I think I may be making it all sound, it has certainly not always been easy - there have been times in the past few years that I have been so sure of what I am doing only to get to a point that I found myself lost and disillusioned, feeling as though I had been shown the way to my own utopia, my dreams realised, my path to success only to have it all stall and stagger and make me question what is real and what is my own illusion or perhaps de-lusion.....
But wait!! Not all is doom and gloom and as most people know, with the 20/20 vision of hindsight I am able to sit back, sigh, and know that yes, I was doing EXACTLY what I was meant to be doing at that time and that my guidance radar was not broken or wrong as I thought it might be at the time.
What I realise now is that I had lessons to learn, a journey of discovery to undertake, and that as much as I would like to control EVERYTHING along the way, apparently that is not the case and part of my main lesson this time around is to just keep on following those synchronistic moments, taking the steps and stages as they come so that I can keep standing here in THIS moment, able to look back and see that my life and my journey are leading me to the places I see in my dreams but the paths that I must take will be unfolded and illuminated as they need to be and really, my only job (the one I find the hardest of all) is to follow the signs and trust the process....

Ready To Receive

Are you better at giving or receiving??
Do you realise whether or not you are a giver or a taker in this life?
Or maybe those roles change in different areas of your life?
What I really want to know is how do I become more able to receive???
I ready a really interesting article recently in a holistic magazine around the art of creating and receiving in your life and about being within the 'flow' of what it is that you desire for your life, which is all very interesting but the piece that caught me the most was the part that said that no matter how much you 'want' something you will only be able to receive what you are ready and able to receive. The article also asked the question 'have you every tried to do something for someone else and given and given to them only to find yourself completely drained and them in the same place they were'. Hmmmmm I thought to myself, this sounds like the story of my life!!!
DING DING - LIGHT BULB MOMENT!!!
The message that I received - loud and clear (thank you universe) is that all of us are only able to accept into our lives ONLY the amount of ANYTHING that we are ready, able, or in my case at least, believe that we are subconsciously worthy to receive. So then I ask myself how do I allow myself to be more open or able to receive???
I have to admit I am still waiting on the full answer (or maybe just an answer that I like!) but I did hear a soft whisper that said 'by keeping on going just as you are, a little at a time'. HMPH!!! I don't know about anyone else but sometimes I just wish there was an answer to life's questions written in neon lights for me with a full explanation so that I could just go 'ohhhhh that's it, ok got it now'. Not this time!!
In my never ending pursuit of 'balance' in my life I notice that my level of comfort with giving far outweighs my level of comfort with receiving which may make me sound generous, or even perhaps a little righteous but in reality maybe there is a level  of selfishness and even arrogance to some of my acts of giving and my lack of receipt.
There have certainly been many times in my life that I have simply gone ahead and bought things or done things for others without being asked and while I certainly believed that I was acting with the best of intentions at the time, isn't it a little arrogant to think that I know what someone needs more than they do?! I whole heartedly admit to being someone who goes over and above in most areas of my life which I guess is fine when it's just for me but I now realise that it really isn't my place to say 'oh I know you wanted this but I got you this and this and this as well' or 'I thought you might need a hand with this so here I am or make a time and I will do this for you/with you'. Even as I look at those statements I feel a little ashamed at my arrogance and pushiness (is that a word??). To anyone that has been on the receiving end of either mine or others 'good intentions' that may not have been needed or welcomed, I apologise for all of us who have overstepped that line and see that perhaps the lesson for me is that if I back off a little from being so focused on giving everything to everyone whether they want or ask for it or not, then maybe I can create a little room for myself to receive.....

I Give You Permission

You know when you are a kid and you are told to wait for permission - permission to leave the table after a meal, permission to go to the toilet at school, permission to eat, permission to leave, permission to stay really just a whole bunch of going from here to there waiting to be given permission for what you want to do.
Then you get older and when you go to work you have to wait to be given permission for a day off, permission to do something different in your own work space, permission to take holidays and so it goes on with so many aspects of life there is a time that you are waiting to be given permission. For me that kind of reasoning has seemed to seep into my mental habits, the tapes I play to myself inside my head and the beliefs (however they got there) that I have about myself, my appearance, my worth and when it is my 'turn'. I work hard on this journey called life to be true to myself, to take responsibility for myself, my actions and my thoughts and mostly to walk my own talk - I believe in treating others in a way that I would like to be treated and I believe that what I put out, I should get back, be it good, bad or indifferent. BUT the more I think about permission in my life the more I realise that there are so many areas that I have handed over my power by waiting, without realising it, to be given permission even to just be me!
I have, over the years, gathered many a negative belief about myself and at the core of those beliefs is a very low value placed on my own worth. It is a long and boring story of how all of that came about and it is unnecessary to tell it, it only needs to be said that I have realised it and now it is time to change....
I realise that I have been waiting for permission for so many things internally - waiting for permission to like/love myself for who am and permission to believe that I can make that happen. I have been waiting for permission to be ok with the physical shell I have in this life - I have never been told at what point I would be an acceptable size or even 'look' to decide that I could stop hating and loathing my body and start to just accept it and find some sort of peace. I have been waiting for permission for it to be 'my turn' in my life - I gladly sacrificed for my children and my husband, I did what I thought was right at the time and I realise that I found myself waiting for others to move over and make room and allowances for things to be different to notice that I was waiting for permission so that I could pursue a new direction, a fulfilling career, my life's purpose. And here I was, all ready to go! Ideas in place, making things happen and yet no one else was moving with the changes, no one was offering to help make it a smooth transition, too hold my hand and my heart while I leapt, boots and all and heart first as always into the unknown and now, from my new perspective I see that all of that part of the journey for me was about permission and a permission that I was waiting for someone else to give that I now realise all along I have needed to give myself so here goes:
Self, I give you permission to like and eventually LOVE all that you are - overly sensitive, overly emotional, overly reactive, overly weighted physically....The whole lot, the whole mess of crazy weirdness that makes you you.
I give you permission to go into any job that feels right and I give you permission to change jobs because of a feeling...
I give you permission to look in the mirror and find beauty, not ugliness wherever you can find it. I give you permission to cry as you do this as it will be hard but I know you can as you now have my permission to like what you see even if you start a little bit at a time.
I give you permission to believe what your heart and soul tells you is your truth about the world and those in it and about Angels and Guides and Fairies and all things wild and free and magical and spiritual and I give you permission to not judge yourself for believing whatever you believe and forgive others who judge you as their part of the journey just does not coincide with your own in that place...
I give you permission to FEEL whatever you are feeling to whatever degree you need to feel it. Embrace your emotions and stop apologising for them or trying to stuff them down. I give you permission to set your feelings free...
I give you permission to be proud of yourself for who you are in this life and all that you have achieved so far. I give you permission to believe that there is so much more to come for you that you are on your way to achieving your wildest craziest and most earnest dreams....
 I give you permission to realise that not everyone can do what you do or what you have done in your life and even if they have the ability or opportunity, not everyone makes the choices you have so I give you permission to be proud of all of your choices.
I give you permission to be proud of all that you have achieved physically with training and exercise. I give you permission to be proud of your physical strength and I give you permission to let go of the idea that your physical strength is something to be ashamed of. I give you permission to become a runner and I give you permission to let go of the idea that you can't run because you have and you can and there is so much more to come...
I give you permission to love and share every one of your perceived 'faults', they make you who you are, they make you human and they make you real. I give you permission to be like the Japanese and pour gold into the cracks of the pot to accentuate the damage as something beautiful that has history and has seen a lot of life. I give you permission to view all of your 'cracks' this way and instead of hiding them, share them freely whatever may come....
And finally I give you permission to shine as the best damn version of you that yourself and the world has ever seen...
What would you like to give yourself permission for?

Are We Living In The Matrix??

Do you ever have a time when you think something is REALLY obvious to you and yet others around you seem to be oblivious? Like in the movie "The Matrix" where all these people are really asleep and hooked up to machines while they go about their perfect little lives, believing that everything is as it seems and yet for a lucky (or unlucky) few, they are awake and open to a whole different reality and yet they are not able to wake others out of their dream state reality.
In my life this kind of experience seems to occur around thoughtfulness and helping out others. For me, and perhaps this is a nature V's nurture argument, but I was brought up in a household that always encouraged helping others, both my brother and I and our parents were great friends with all the neighbours and often helped out with lifts for kids, helping each other build garages, put up a swimming pool etc. There was always 'extras' over for Christmas lunch - anyone the didn't have family or were at a loose end, and there has always been a general sense of if you can see something that needs doing or someone that needs help then you step in and offer. To me this seems an obvious transaction - someone needs something that I can help with or provide so quite simply why would I not give to them?
Another interesting behaviour that makes me feel like we are living in the matrix is the way that many people make choices to stay 'stuck' in a place that they are apparently not happy - as they state their unhappiness with their situation as often as possible, and yet when solutions or options are offered they simply shut down or say things like 'yeah, I could do that' and then keep going on the exact same, apparently unhappy, path hmmmm.....
I certainly don't think that I have always been this open or self-aware, as I look back to younger days I definitely realise the selfishness of youth, I certainly didn't realise at the time, nor was I purposefully ignoring the needs of others, I just simply didn't notice. A great turning point in my life when I was quite young (around 21 I think) was when I decided to leave the place that I had started my working life (back then it was a hair salon). I had spent 4 years doing my apprenticeship and another 2 years beyond that under the constant torment of my well and truly evil and sadistic boss. A man that found great amusement in bringing apprentices to tears one after another almost every day. Anyway once I decided to leave and work at another salon I realised that I didn't have to stay in a place that I was not happy. That I had power and I had choices and I was able to make changes in my life for the better. Well the day I left that salon I vowed to never EVER stay in a job that I was not happy in and in over 20 years, and many different career paths, I haven't and that has been a metaphor for a lot of my life.
There are definitely days that I wish I was still living within 'the matrix', oblivious to the deeper callings of my life's path and the choices that I have to make that are sometimes difficult and painful, but once I became 'awake' I could not ignore possibilities and opportunities for change and personal growth. There is also the realisation that we are each on our own path of discovery and that none of us a better than another but rather just in a different place in our personal and joint evolution and we have to work really hard to respect and not judge where another is on their part of the journey. Nor can we 'awaken' anyone else or drag or carry them to see the light. A big part of my current growth is realising that just because someone doesn't see things the way I do, or act in a way that I would, does not make them wrong, or bad, but simply in a different place on their journey and I guess just being 'them' in a way that is different to 'me' and isn't respecting that one of the greatest lessons we learn......

It's All About The Little Things

Have you ever heard the saying "don't sweat the small stuff, and really it's all small stuff"? While I'm not too sure about that one, what has struck me today is how 'every little bit counts'. At the moment in my life among other crazy pursuits I am trying to learn to be a runner. Actually I think I am more than trying, I'd like to think I'm on my way to succeeding so maybe I am on my way to becoming a runner (although I still don't like it and I am still under the impression that you should only be running if someone is chasing you!!) Anyway, every time I decide that I will go out for a run I have a battle of wills with my not so nice inner self and have to almost force myself out the door kicking and screaming (think Me, Myself and Irene!!). So today was no different, I ummed and ahhhed for a while, trying to see if I could find a friend to join me, trying to decided if I really had to do it since it was Sunday, I've had a busy weekend blah blah on and on my ego went until I just got changed into 'running clothes' and took off, slowly, out the front door on my own. I recently decided to try not to follow the same route all the time but rather try and 'challenge' myself (like just learning to run isn't challenge enough!) by going in an unfamiliar way and taking on some hills and bends just to make it interesting or whatever. Since the last time I had been doing running was only a few days ago at my crazy boot camp style exercise group and that was up hill, down dale and plenty of places in between, my poor legs felt like concrete as I set off at a slow but steady pace talking myself through what was to come - "ok once you get up here, and round the corner, and over the hill, and back to the road, you can walk for a little bit. Little bites, lean forward and take a bit at a time (the voice of my trainer and friend in my head coaching me through) I have to say it was cold, I was tired and it was all a bit tiresome AND THEN I passed an older man with a lovely dog, and I always try to smile or at least grimace at people as I am trying to run along so I give him a welcoming look and as if he knew how much I was struggling he said "you'll get there" which was possibly just politeness on his behalf but for me those few words were like a light shining down from up above, with angels singing and horns blowing....I could do this! I could make it and keep going thanks to this lovely man's few words of encouragement.
As always, I like to ponder things that happen in my life, to derive meaning and wisdom from anything that strikes me and this little experience this afternoon has reminded me that it is the smallest things that can make all the difference to yourself or someone elses experience, day, or even life. This can certainly work both ways - both positive and negative, but if what we focus our attention and our intention on grows then I would like to grow more warm, fuzzy experiences both for myself and others around me by sharing a kind word to a stranger or a friend and by stopping to take a moment to think about my words if they are negative or judgemental. How nice would it be to live in a world that people were friendly and encouraging and judgements and harsh words faded away? Perhaps we could all be responsible for creating that world, like learning to run, just a little bite at a time...........

The Essence of Authenticity

Authenticity - what does that mean to you?
For me it is a something I strive to be in all areas of my life. I realise with the wonderful vision of age, experience and hindsight that I have not always presented my authentic self to the world, but also that the times that I have not been authentic it was more about me than others. There was a time, in fact many times, on this little journey called life that I have been unsure of who I am and afraid of stepping up and saying "hey world, this is me!" But step by step, lesson by lesson, I have become more comfortable with the 'real me' and more ok about letting her shine through regardless of what others may think. I recognise and respect authenticity in those around me, I understand and love that we are all different, we each have our own challenges, our own 'right' ways of doing things and interacting with other. What I don't understand though is when people are so far from their authentic selves that they are deceitful not only to those around them but also to themselves.
But I guess as with all things in life, its not always easy to be at ease with yourself - especially around others! There are so many circumstances in our day to day lives that we are required to wear different hats, or perhaps different masks just to get through our day but I think that all of those parts are parts of us and that if our intention is pure then we are doing our best to be our authentic selves. I'm not sure if this is a simple truth that it has just taken me years to realise or if it is something deep and profound that more of us need to realise and accept that we are never just one person, just one 'us', that we are always evolving, that sometimes we need to be chameleons and adapt to the circumstances or people that are around us, but that even within all of the chaos and carnage that is our interactions with so many others in a day, that there is always room to be you....

Its All About The View

Oh Sunday, tired Sunday.......
Do you ever have a weekend that feels like you didn't have a weekend?! I was sitting back this evening feeling a little ripped off  that my weekend didn't go the way that I would have liked it to, my ego whining that I didn't have time to do exactly what I hoped to do this weekend when I realised that what I did do was just fine, in fact for a few dear ones around me it was pretty great and that all I needed to do was change the way I was looking at it, look at it from a different point of view.....
Personally I look forward to weekends as a time, at least a little time, to either sleep in, chill out, or at least spend time doing something that makes me feel relaxed and like I have given back to myself. This weekend has not been one of those times!!
As I look back over my weekend and consider all that I have achieved I start to realise that just because there hasn't been a lot of 'down' time, it does not mean that I have not had a good weekend hmmmm revelation or hallucination?!
I had plans for this weekend, great plans of a nice quiet time - bit of cleaning, bit of washing,  a bit of baking with my daughter (Miss 12 and 1/2), sounds nice and peaceful enough rght? Those few, little things plus a little grocery shopping ate up the entire day and then with hubby out working late I was thrust into cooking dinner and all clearing before finally jumping into bed with the kids to watch some kidworthy 'family' dvd (a favourite pastime of my kids, sounds lovely but in reality there is much squirming, fighting about who is next to who and who has the most lollies or dessert or time next to mum or dad etc etc).
PHEW! With the chaos that was Saturday in the background I looked forward to finding some solace in Sunday - AFTER I visit my 90 year old grandmother (she is just home after a stay in respite to appease my mother while they travel overseas), get the kids to rake the leaves in her yard, take her some of yesterdays baked goods (nowhere near as good as when she makes them mind you), have a cuppa with her then pop home to get the kids some lunch, pop out for lunch with a friend since I have just found a voucher for a lunch that is about to run out, THEN pop out to Costco for another little bit of grocery shopping, get the shopping home , still hopeing for some time to chill. Oh now its time to get the kids some dinner (want them in bed early tonight), clean that up, ooh better do that ironing so I have a good choice of clothes for work this week, ok get kids into bed (later than I hoped but off they go) ok NOW I have some time I might just sit down and watch a little tv ahhh OH NO! Hubby bowls in the door, long day at work, jibbering and freaking out that his isn't working can I have a look at it (hubby is NOT one for the modern electronics - he can't even txt!) as he has dropped it in some water!! Ok, dutiful wife to the rescue - take the phone apart hit it with the hair dryer while heart racing, anxiety raising and mumbling to self about how I JUST sat down, haven't stopped all weekend JUST wanted 5 mins grumble, grumble, grumble.......
 I know! I'll write my blogg now! Hmmm ponder, ponder, what do I want to share today? Ripped off, no weekend, did this for this person, that for that person, pleased my kids, pleased my Little Nan, shared time with friends.....hmmm HANG ON, isn't that actually a GREAT WEEKEND??!!! How does that song go - "You can't always get what you want, but you get what you need"..............

Surrender and Release

Is there really anyone out there that is able to completely relinquish control to all aspects of their lives?? I like to think that I am fairly easy going, that I can roll with the punches, trust in the universe and follow up of synchronicity and opportunities. BUT there are moments (sometimes many moments I hate to admit) that I just want to control and change and fix and have MY WAY as I think it should be.
For me a prime example is my never ending 'battle' with my weight and the utter frustration I feel at not being able to just 'fix' myself and have the body I desire. I have a logical understanding that I am not morbidly obese, I am not at a weight that is dangerous to my health (that I am aware of) but I am overweight in my own view and out of all of the achievements I have made in my life to date, I see my biggest failure to be my current, unacceptable weight. I have always been someone that 'makes' things happen for myself - I wanted to change careers so I  in found a way to study while my children were small that fitted with my life but took me to my goal, generally if I don't like something my life, I change it but to my great and utter dismay, no matter what I try to do to change my weight (or perhaps my opinion of my appearance and current weight) it does not seem to change.
This leads me back to my initial question of control - it is my belief that the harder you push against something, the harder it pushes back and so to this end it would make sense for me to stop trying to 'force' my weight down but rather 'release' it to the universe or the Gods of Karmic weight loss or anyone that would be willing to take it from me really!
The problem that I have is the utter fear that if I just relax for a moment, just try to 'surrender and release' then I will instantly blow up like the Auntie on the Harry Potter movie like a big balloon and absolute disaster and anarchy will reign throughout my body (are you getting the idea that I may be a little hung up on this issue?)
Even as I think about this and type the words onto the screen, I realise how much power and control I am giving to what is really such a small part of who I am but once that little control monster gets hold of you it is just so hard to let it go.....

The True Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness........What does sort of feelings does that word conjure in you? What beliefs do you hold around forgiveness? Do you see it as power or weakness?
In spiritual circles (at least the ones I travel in) forgiveness is a word that is well shared and talked about but I sometimes wonder how well it is 'walked'. I have come to realise, even though it was something I acknowledged and agreed with, that REAL forgiveness is REALLY about myself.
I have shared 'wisdom' on forgiveness many times with friends and clients alike. I have talked the talk of being forgiving to others, that we are all on our own sacred journey and on our own place on that path and that we need to understand that perception is reality so the way one person perceives an others actions or intent is through their own filter and may not necessarily be the way it was meant by the perpetrator of the action - haven't we all been guilty of confronting someone on a perceived misdeed only to find out we were totally wrong in what we thought was going on???
So back to forgiveness - I truly strive to live my life by my own 'spiritual compass' which for me means doing the best job I can to 'walk my talk' meaning if I am going to tout wisdom about letting go of judgements and letting others be where they are on the path etc then it is my responsibility to live my life by that code and take my own advice (SO much easier said than done!).
This week I felt the need to take a 'soul journey' and run a bath with candles and beautiful oils including a recently acquired 'Journey to the Soul' pack with bath salts and oils. My theory was I would simply lay back, relax, and run with whatever channelled its way through the universe to me. The very first thing that came to my mind was forgiveness. It was a very clear moment of realisation that although I can be quite flowing, free and forgiving of many in my life, some of those that are the closest to me are held under the sharpest scrutiny and the highest of expectations.
 I started my forgiveness process with the first incident that came to mind and out loud made the statement "I forgive you for not being able to be the person I want you to be". That may sound very conceited but for me, the anger and resentment that I was holding onto and holding against some very close people was about me wanting something from them that they just did not have to give. In the perfect 20/20 vision of hindsight I can see how utterly ridiculous that seems but in the murky water of day to day life I slipped into a pattern of trying to 'take' what I felt I needed from those closely around me whether they had it to give or not.
But getting back to forgiveness, more and more along the journey I realised that forgiveness set me free, it set me free from anger, resentment and bitterness but it also set me free from fear and a sense of lack that something was missing that I was trying to find in others but was really within myself all the time and forgiving others for not being able to be who I wanted them to be allowed me to see others as well as myself in a new, kinder and more peaceful light.
Forgiveness is not an easy path to choose, there are many injustices in the world that leave so many negative feelings within us but along this recent journey I have truly come to realise and understand that forgiveness in my life is actually not about any other person, it is about giving something back to myself..........

The Key To Reality Is Perception

Are you a glass half full or a glass half empty type of person? Answering that question is really a good guideline and metaphor for life (I think!).
Have you ever had a time that you thought something was just terrible until someone changed your point of view and you saw it in a new light?? Everyone has their own perception and that perception is their personal reality.
 SO I am now setting myself the daunting task of viewing the world (or at least my world) through rainbow coloured glasses......
For me this means taking the parts of my life that I feel are unfair or too hard etc and flipping my perception to view it in a more positive light. Sounds simple right?! I do understand that this will take some work on my behalf, as much as I'd like to believe that I have a pretty shiny take on my world, the reality is that I get caught in the 'pity party' mode at times and complain to whatever poor soul will listen 'poor me, it is all so hard' and while at the time I may believe that not getting my way is terribly unfair - the reality is that it may really not be all that bad - it is simply my current view that is slightly obscured and bent in the wrong direction.
So, self challenge set, I am going to take my imaginary rainbow coloured glasses and look at the parts of myself and my life that I am less than thrilled with through new, colourful eyes and twist it all around 360 degrees and see what different views I can find until I see it from a perception that I can like.
The only question now is where to begin...............

Jumping Off The Cliff Of Life

I have had a saying about change for a long time that goes something like "the scariest part of true change is that it is like jumping off a cliff and hoping that your wings will grow" and although I THINK that I have had that feeling before, after this week I KNOW what it is to hold that sense of angst, insecurity and downright fear within you and know that this is the time to jump or forever more sit back and watch everyone else fly by...
It may seem a silly thing to others, this thing that has brought me such anxiety, but once I again I find that we really are all different and what we each perceive and experience is our own unique journey.
So this week I embarked on a new journey - the journey of group personal training. This in itself is not the scary bit for me, I have always exercised and I know and trust the trainer. There are a few parts to the 'scary cliff jumping change' part - the first being the passion and ferocity of our trainer. She is a wonderful person, a friend and an amazing trainer and I know her work as I have trained with her over 4 years ago before she left Australia for an overseas posting. So knowing her style I was already kind of scared as I knew we would be pushed, and boy was I pushed!! So where is the cliff??? For me the edge of that cliff is holding the label I have carried for a lifetime, the label of 'fat me'. The story is long and for another post but it is a mental and emotional challenge as well as a physical one that has been a long time struggle but one that I am determined to outgrow and outshine. Brave words as I stand at the edge of the cliff that is my collection of internal labels, look over the edge and say to myself 'jump, its OK your wings will grow, just jump! And leave all of this behind'. For me, this is leaving 'me' behind, I may loathe this label, I may want so desperately to free myself of it, but some part of me also feels that this is ME and to leave it behind is to have to look at myself and work out who I am without it (THERES the edge of the cliff!!).
I really hadn't realised how comfortable I was with this 'me' and how much I have done to make excuses or sabotage myself to keep me right here in the place that I know. It really hit home to me when our trainer told us that we 4 in our group are the only people she will be working with (even though her services are in high demand), that she is here for US and that she will be checking in and supporting us all the way....WHOA where do I hide now??!!! Absolutely, totally BUSTED hiding in my comfortable, soft place of familiar exercise and trying to eat well.
So here I stand, at the edge of my cliff, feeling the breeze against my bare, vulnerable self, telling myself 'just one more step, it will be OK, just one more step' and I wonder to myself -
How long will it take to learn how to fly...................

Just Because I Like To Serve People Doesn't Mean You Can Treat Me Like Your Servant

Friends...
How do your friends treat you? 
How do you treat your friends?
I don't really know about how other people operate but for me, I like to think that I am conscious of my friendships and treat my friends and in fact most others in my life how I would like to be treated. For me the important parts of friendship are equality - some sort of give and take, it does not need to occur spontaneously, it is unspoken, you just know that somewhere along the line you will do something for a friend and then at another time it will come back to you in kind. Or at least that's how I would like to think it works.....
All my life I have been a 'people pleaser' and I have finally realised that actually I am ok with that! I REALLY like it when other people are pleased by something that I have done for them or said to them. There have been times in my life certainly that this has not been the healthiest pursuit - I remember, in years gone by,  the delightful satisfaction I gained from being 'needed' by others. I also remember how draining that can be as well as the despairing hole that was left inside of me when someone that I had nursed and nurtured found themselves strong and well and confident enough to move on to a place that was no longer so close to me.
Lessons hard learned but never forgotten - all friendships must have a balance.
As always (at least for me) some lessons in life just aren't that obvious!! It began to occur to me, sometime in the last few years, (yep, slow learner sometimes!!) that there were a number of 'unbalanced' friendships in my life. As someone who has always loved working with and generally being surrounded by people I am only to happy to do favours for others, offer my time to them, offer my trade services, anything really that would be helpful, bring joy or at the very least alleviate some suffering if they were going through a hard time. For me all of these acts are just second nature, it is quite simply what you do for your friends. Sadly I have found that this is not the case for all 'friends' and there have been people in my life that have called on the 'friend card' time and again for their own gain and advantage and then, when the day has come that I have been unable to give or assist, they simply disappear, never to be heard from again (or until the next time they need something).
It has been a long, hard and at times heartbreaking road for me to recognise and release those people in my life that for whatever reason, whether conscious or not, that have come to treat me as a servant to their whims and needs rather than sharing in the great joy and gift that true and equal friendship offers.
At the end of the day I do believe that it is all a part of my journey, that I have invited all people into my life for a reason, to teach and to learn. I believe that I am learning all the time, every day, just how much I am worth in this life and all the ways I am showing my worth to the world........

The Centre of the Rainbow

I have been known to mention - not very often and only in VERY close circles, that I sometimes miss my home in the sky... This is not a depressive statement, it is not a wish to cross back to the other side, it is merely a feeling, a kind of de ja vu type memory of a time when everything just 'was'. It is a feeling that I spent time in a place of complete wholeness, it was my true home, the place that I belonged and fitted in like a tailor made outfit just for me and I have just decided (or maybe realised) that this place I refer to is in the centre of the rainbow.
Even as I look at those words it seems like a little bit of crazy talk but hey, whats the harm in that?!
In my life at the moment I am on a constant search to find all things 'rainbowy' with which to surround myself. I have a 'rainbow room' where a rainbow chandelier bathes me in light, a giant canvas hangs painted with rainbow colours that I have attached my favourite pics of friends and family, there are rainbow coloured prayer flags, rainbow Buddha prints and my latest edition and hand made rainbow coloured felt ball rug from Nepal to sit on in the middle of the room - for me it is rainbow bliss and I cant get enough of it!!!
So what is is about being in the centre of a rainbow?!
Simple, its magical!!! All that colour and sparkle, joy and love, who doesn't smile when they see a rainbow?! I have decided that it is good (no matter what anyone else might think) to surround myself at least in one small space with what brings me bliss and helps me to find joy and peace and for me that is all of my rainbows.............

The Joy of.....JOY!!

Today is a Rainbowy, Sunshiny, Joy-y kind of day (for me anyway)!!

Today I went back to work today for the first time in about 5 weeks (ahhhh, big happy sigh) and since I really love my job, it was joy. I had an easy time getting ready for work, my kids were looked after without any hassle, on the way to work I chatted to a very dear to my heart friend (on my blue-tooth ear piece of course) and when I arrived at work I was greeted with lots of "oh your back" (in happy tones) and felt like today had lots of purpose in propelling me forward into what looks like being a fabulous and amazing year (today anyway!) all of which for me equals a day of JOY!!

Joy is one of those contagious feelings I think that I cannot pass up sharing. I LOVE joy. Not things that bring joy or something that happens to create joy but just pure and simple I love to feel joy for no other reason than that I want to be joyful.

Hmmm as I sit here I hear my ego whispering "You know it can't last. You can't feel joy ALL the time, its just not right" and I'm sure that there are many others that would be racing to agree - you cannot just be 'joyful' all the time and you know what? I agree...

I am a big believer in honouring all feelings - there is definitely a time for sadness, a time for anger, a time for grief etc but I also believe in having the choice, I believe that I have the power, in my life, to choose joy whenever I can. That does not mean that I don't feel other emotions but what I have learned is that I am able to choose a time that feels right to let a darker emotion have full reign, do delve deep into it, let it run it's full course and exhaust itself and then LET IT GO!!

I have by no means perfected this act and like all of us I am a student on a journey and some of the lessons are harder than others but man I'm keen to learn and give all of those lessons a red hot go!! What I have learned lately, and I think this has helped more joy find its way into my life, is to ease up on myself, to give myself a metaphorical 'chill pill', to remind myself to 'calm my farm' and hardest of all for me is to 'relax and just let it happen' (a little bit of me is cringing with that one now, can you say "control freak"?!). I read an interview transcript recently by a fabulous psychologist, 'happiness expert' and all round fab guy Robert Holden, when he was asked about finding peace and happiness he gave a VERY long list of all of the courses he had attended, things he had done, books he had read etc to find that all he needed to do was RELAX!! This struck a chord with me as I am totally guilty of striving to 'be' and 'do' so that I can 'have' all that I might possibly achieve in this little life which is definitely all great and purposeful BUT there has to be a balance (big light bulb!!) there needs to be a time when you just RELAX (strangely this is kind of a new concept for me).
So following that theme I have decided that there also has to be a time amongst the chaos and the turmoil and the complete CRAZY  that is so often the fabric of my life to choose what the feeling is, to give myself that positive space no matter what else is going on and find a space within me that is just joy..............

My Feet Are Now a Metaphor for My Life

Feet…. Feet are really kind of gross, not too many people around the place have pretty feet and I cant say I know hardly anyone who actually likes their feet (or anyone else’s for that matter!) and I am certainly no different there. BUT in order to make the most of the feet that I do have I really have to nurture them and care for them or they go all crusty and dry and that is REALLY GROSS!!

To me it seems such a chore to exfoliate my feet EVERY day then rub some sort of cream or lotion into them AND find a pair of cotton socks to put on and walk around in while it all soaks in PHEW that seems like a lot of work!! This is a process that I need to go through almost every day, if I don’t (due to , my penchant for wearing open shoes, thongs or no shoes at all) my feet dry out very quickly and resemble something like the surface of the moon – arid, lined and cratered with a white chalky colour NOT a good look and certainly NOT acceptable in my vain little world.

Ok, getting off track a little so to bring me back to ,y point (there is a point that is meaningful I promise) I had yet another epiphany – seriously if I keep going this way I will reach the heights of ‘spiritual guru’ by the end of this year, and then what?!) about everything being related to everything, in my life at least, then this tiresome daily process is all a part of me making myself worthy enough to slow down and take time to honour what my body needs for it to be in its optimal condition. And really, where better to start than at my feet?!

Like most women I am always working on improving my perceived ‘faults’ in the physical realm and for me since my outward appearance seems to be far too linked to my self – worth, if I start with something small like my feet (actually they’re not that small but I’m talking in relation to the rest of me) then when I can commit fully to the needs of my feet then I may also be able to honour myself and my body enough to listen to its food related needs – as opposed to ignoring what I find ‘inconvenient’ (a series of intolerances that I sometimes ignore until I get quite sick then can no longer ignore).

I do sometimes wonder why theses lessons in my life become so tiresome and tedious and I get answered by the universe that basically what do I expect? Afterall they are MY lessons so somewhere along the line I signed myself up for this. After this kind of a statement I’m really quite sure that ‘whoever is out there’ also adds “Well duuhhh” and rolls their eyes at me for being so human!

So in summing up, my feet are now my life (kind of) and as I want to continue to keep and grow my new found higher self - worth then I will have to continue to listen, as well as act upon, what it is that I am told or feel is my truth hmmmmmm ……………..

Im Worth it and I Know it...

I'm not sure if everyone (or anyone but me) finds that as you go along this magical journey called life there are some growth lessons that come fairly easily and settle in comfortably somewhere under our wings and within our soul, and yet other growth lessons, even the ones that should (hmmm a word that I definitely need to let go of) be obvious because they are really so simple but seem to be the hardest to integrate and fully own and believe.
For me that lesson has been my self - worth.
More specifically learning the ways that I state my worth to the rest of the world as well as finding my own conclusions and my own understanding of exactly what self - worth means to me, how I achieve it, add to it and how I maintain it when my ego and others around me show me reflections of how much I have valued others over myself.
It is almost like self - worth and I have only JUST been formally introduced - up until fairly recently self - worth was like my distant cousin, the one that you kind of know about, may have met briefly once or twice but don't really feel that you are related or connected with. That was me and my self - worth, till now...
I can honestly say that the light bulbs of realisation that have been going off in my head lately (honestly so bright if they were outside of my head you could have seen them from space!! This means BIG realisations) is like having spent years walking through a dark corridor searching desperately for the light switch and then realising that it has been so close all along that all I had to do was reach out my hand trust that it was there and feel for it. A few very much "oh DER that's it!!" moments where I guess it's like learning a new skill - you feel really dumb at first like you will never get it and you practise so hard that it hurts and you want to cry and give up so you decide to just leave it alone for a while, take a step back, and when you try again magically it all makes sense and seems so easy you wonder what all the fuss was about - BINGO! Me and my self - worth!!
To anyone who might ask exactly what lead to this epiphany, I can't really say that it was just one thing and I guess that was part of the light bulb moment, for me it is EVERYTHING. My self - worth is about ME living MY authentic life and doing that by looking at all aspects of my life, trying my hardest, doing my best and giving myself permission to take credit in my life where it is due as well as (and this has been a tough one for me) looking at the people I spend time with, how I feel about them, how I feel about ME when I am with them and how I feel after we have spent time together - do I feel inspired, happy, excited, peaceful, balanced etc or do I feel flat, drained, worried, ugly, stupid or worst of all not good enough.
These questions are really a guideline to all aspects of my life - my job, my friends,my relationships with others,how I am and where I am going in the world, all of it, the whole kit and caboodle. I have realised that I no longer need to spend time with people or in places that I feel undermined, unhappy,or unworthy and that it is MY choice to change those things if I don't like it, that I am worth having what I see as the best for me right now.
I want my whole life to be like the feeling that I have right at this very moment. A life where I feel treasured and valued for all that I bring and all that I am but also a place that I can be challenged and questioned in a genuine and loving way so that I can continue to grow and change and reach for the next star in that endless night sky....

It's All About the Colour.....

Shiny, Rainbowy Greetings to All,

Today I think I'll chat about my 'thing' with wearing whatever colour I 'feel' is right for that day and today's colour I would call 'Coral' or if you asked one of my children I think it would be described as "Orangish, Pinkish,Redish" and it feels bright and pretty!
I know that there are definately some other divine kindred souls out there that like to dress in whatever colour they 'feel' they need to wear, but I wonder if other people do it without even realising - even when people choose to wear black consistently that has something to say (and NO it does not just mean that they are morbid or boring!)
The only rare times I will wear black (unless I have to for work) is when I feel like I want to be invisible, that I want to disappear a little from the world and take a little step back. So I guess the fact that I just adore wearing colour means that most of the time I am out there saying "Hello world, look at me!" and I'm not sure that it is a concious thing, that I dress to be 'different' is certainly concious but not necessarily so that I can totally stand out in a crowd but more so I feel like me inside and out. There was a time (not so long ago) that I dressed in a certain way almost in defiance of 'fitting in', it was not a concious action at the time but more for me an action of protection against feeling very vulnerable in the new place in my life that I was stepping into at the time. I feel that I have evolved from that place and I guess as we often do when we are trying out something new, I eventually found a look and style that was truly 'me' as well as what fitted the image I was trying to portray to the world at the time.I do often wonder if other people think this much about everything that they do or if it really is that I need the lobotomy that one of my friends kindly offered to perform once upon a meltdown day!!
Oh, I got a bit off track - oops, how unlike me haha
So today's colour 'coral' now that I think about it, for me is saying a little orange for self confidence and self assuredness (is that a word?!), a little pinkish for love - to invite more love into my life and be loving to others, and a little reddish to ignight a bit of fiery passion to keep me going with kids and holidays and changes and growth....PHEW that's a lot to get from one colour!!
Now that my day is coming to a close it is time for soft fabrics and whatever is comfy who knows what colour tomorrow will bring.............

First time for everything

Wow, here I am in Bloggersville!!

Something I have toyed with the idea of for a while, talked myself out of, then pondered again - this idea of blogging....but here I am, all set up so let the journey 's' begin.........

I am pretty sure that anyone who knows me would agree with the title 'Rainbow Goddess' for me as I do tend to be pretty colourful and I absolutley LOVE all things rainbow and I try pretty hard to own the title of 'Goddess' in the most humble of way (of course!)

Since today is always a chance at a new begining I am going to allow myself to be born today as Rainbow Goddess - she who blogs whatever the path brings and shares the insights that it offers! Having said that, sometimes my 'insights' could be taken for a form of maddness (my own special brand that I'm kind of attached to). Todays example of insight is all that 'stuff' that a New Year brings up and offers and tempts us with - the promise of a chance to make amends with yourself, to 'get it right' as if we are not already perfect exactly as we im-perfectly are. So with all of this in mind I have been clearing out the house, un burdening every room of the physical space as well as my internal 'house' my mind, heart and spirit and I must say it leaves me feeling........well, a little weird!! I am pleased with my progress, I have plans, hopes, dreams, (and a new tv!) so what is this 'gap' I feel right now? Should I be looking to replace the space that I have created inside and out or do I just sit, zen like, and just 'be' in the space in between??

That feels like quite enough for now so welcome to my journey, take whatever resonates and speaks to you and feel free to leave the rest behind.......